Sugar Icing Disaster Bars— A recipe and a contemplation on the miracle of Christmas
In order to make these festive cakes, some requirements have to be fulfilled: It should be the evening before the Christmas Eve, your house should be in a slightly sub-Christmassy standard (and this should be the understatement of the year), the gifts should be bought, but not wrapped, and the ginger house decorated, but not assembled. Right. And on the top of that you should have an newly gained obsession that you have to, just have to, make frigging vanilice this year, preferably tonight, because you’ve never made them before and it’s Christmas, and you made sarma this year for Easter, and vanilice would totally nail your position as a proper Serbian housewife.
Now, iff all these requirements are met, you can start. Decide you’ll assemble the house first, and start with the classical sugar icing:
1 egg white
4dl confectionist sugar
Juice of 1/2 lemon
Beat the egg by hand, because that’s how professional chefs do it on TV, and feel slightly awesome because of that. Add sugar and lemon juice, and just when the icing is aaaaalmost perfect, have a temporary loss of control over your mental faculties, look at a pitcher full of flour you’ve measured for the vanilice, and think “Oh, wait, I haven’t added all the sugar”, and add it to the bowl before your manage to stop yourself.
Right. Now you should stop, breath in, breath out and say (aloud, although you’re alone): Right. I’m not throwing this out.
Look around you: The egg yolk? Beat it, and toss it in. Squeeze in the rest of the lemon, too. Well, since you have the lemon in your hand, add the lemon zest too. Still lacking fluid? Lift your gaze, and if you happen to see a bottle of Cuban rum, add some. Have a sip. Think “Damn, those Cubans can make rum!” Add some more. Have a sip. Repeat, until the dough has the right consistency. Add some baking powder, too late for it to be distributed evenly.
Put it into the oven, first at a too high, then at too low temperature, and leave it there for an undetermined period of time, approximately as long as it takes to write this post, et voila! Now you’ve made “Sugar Icing Disaster Bars” in all their awesomeness! Their unique taste can only be described as “Yeah, a bit too sweet, but I’ve definitely had worse!”
Now it should be past 10pm on the eve before the Christmas Eve, and all the work you were supposed to be doing is still in front of you, and this year, as all the others, you’ll think, no way I’m gonna make it, but somehow you’re gonna get it all finished in time this year too, as all the others, because that’s the true miracle of Christmas.
